New year, same old shit.

Well, I'm now a Junior, a CA in the dorms again this year, and I just turned 21. So things haven't been too bad lately. I haven't blogged in months, mostly because I don't want to just whine about my life lately, or to be petty and complain about any individual. But honestly I'm pretty fed up. I've been pretty kind, and respectful through a lot of things this year, only to continuously have someone's happy new life shoved back in my face, and I'm getting pretty fucking tired of it.

I haven't devoted blog posts for the sole purpose of making you feel like garbage, and I don't even talk badly about you behind your back, yet I always seem to get pegged as the bad guy. Well I'm not. The bad guy doesn't care about people or peoples feeling and the bad guy isn't honest. I was. Today was just another example. I posted a tweet saying that some days I really hate people. You assumed that it had to be about you because I saw you while I was getting some lunch, and I'm obviously so obsessed that I must be making some passive aggressive hateful stab at you. It couldn't have had anything to do with the idiot I was stuck next to in my previous class who spent the entire period referring to various historical leaders as "gay" and making it clear every ten minutes that he didn't care about this class and that he was only taking it to fill a requirement. Or the two shrill freshmen girls who bitched for 20 minutes about how awful their roommate was and how much better they were than her, while I was forced to wait silently behind them. It had to be about you. Because obviously I couldn't have my own life anymore. Not that you bothered to ask me about the tweet. I must just be on the attack and trying to hurt you. For future reference, just because you think someone is going to hurt you, or say something honest to you, doesn't give you the right to launch a preemptive strike to bring them down first. It shows how little you really think of me to believe that I must still be pining over my past failures, and believing that my life revolves around you and your continued presence in my life, as much as I may have wanted it to at one point. I'll admit I wasn't happy to see you today. It brought up way too many feelings again, and even more regret. Maybe if you'd been honest with me once or twice things would be different now.

You're probably going to read this and be upset by it. It wasn't my intention, even though you seem to think that everyone you hurt only wants to bring you down. I've always wanted you to be happy. Admittedly I had hoped in a different way, but happy just the same. I was happy once. But alot has happened since then. Maybe it would be best if you'd just leave me alone. Shouldn't be hard for you. I'll try to do the same. Just remember that I didn't burn these bridges.


Edit: A lot of this was written in an angry, frustrated vent... I might end up trying to reword things later when a clearer head prevails.

tired.

I want to break things. I'm so fed up with everything. I felt like I could start a fight tonight, and I don't fight. But I can only take so much shit before I'm gonna snap. I'm not OK. And I'm fed up with people who think they know better than I do and think that they can make me feel better. I'm sick of putting time and heart and feelings out there and into something only to be spit on. I'm really tired of having this dragged on where you tell me you care but do everything to show the opposite.
Most of all I'm tired of never being good enough, because at some point it's not about you, no matter how much you say it is, and it becomes very clear that it's about me.

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My Weekend of Firsts

So yesterday morning I returned to Brookings at 3AM from the Arrowhead Model United Nations Conference in Sault Saint Marie, Michigan. It was roughly a 15 hour ride there and back in a fleet of vans which carried the 72 of us. I'd never been to Michigan before but it really was beautiful country. It's nice to drive around on roads with more things to see than flat nothingness. South Dakota is pretty in the seasons, but right now its dirty and brown, seeing as we're stuck in between the white and the green. On Friday night myself and 11 others put our passports to use when we crossed the bridge into Canada. I had never been out of the country so I was pretty excited to head over the border. It took us an hour to get through customs on our way into Canada, but once we were through, we made our way downtown.
Sault Saint Marie, Ontario is about 3 times the size of it's Michigan counterpart, and we started at a pool-hall bar where I had my first legal drink, which was pretty cool. We bar-hopped for the next couple hours before returning across the border, this time crossing in 5 minutes!

The convention continued and I had a lot of fun, I even managed to stop a fight from breaking out between a ridiculously cocky representative of Honduras who couldn't seem to understand that everyone was playing a part in their representation of their countries. North Korea needed a friend, and a big bearded Ireland representative fit the bill. The last night in Michigan, our commencement speaker was the former President of Ireland. Because we were the delegation from Ireland, we got to meet her and I even shook her hand! We chatted briefly, and she told us that Ireland's main focus in the UN is peacekeeping forces, which is what my resolution was all about! On our way home, I got to see Lake Michigan, we dodged a Tornado warning, and I even tried my first KFC double down, which wasn't all that good in my opinion. Many hilarious stories and jokes told later, as well as dealing with the shocking antics by crazy Bill, the driver of the second van in our little caravan until we eventually arrived home. It was a great trip, and I have a lot of fun spending time with some good friends. And now, I'm glad to be home!